You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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