You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
