I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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