you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
