i need an iv and a liver transplant
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
