I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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