he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
