Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
