dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
