I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I think my moral compass just broke
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
