I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
