Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
