This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
