Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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