does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
