The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I want a musical about memes.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
