Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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