I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
