haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
