I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
