You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
