I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
