you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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