Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
