ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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