Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
