White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
