we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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