Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
