if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
