Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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