You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
