Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
