dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
