how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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