my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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