Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
