happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
pray to the hookup gods
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
