any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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