Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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