12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
