if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
