What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
