i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
