I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
