so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
