You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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