If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
