hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
