The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
