I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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